An article about Gwyneth Paltrow's spring "essentials" was in my news feed earlier this week; apparently, her must-haves cost more than $450K. For you know, just the spring. And they're essential. Which means everyone should buy them. Right Now. Piqued, I went to her website to check it out. Paltrow is known for having high-class style and I was curious as to what, exactly, these expensive essentials were. Now, I've had a hard time following fashion ever since I've had kids and been transformed into a human napkin (which we're working on escaping, btw) but I wanted to know whether there was anything on the list that would translate to my life.
The first themed section had me rolling on the floor. Gwyneth Paltrow, in all her purported elegance, is smiling at me wearing a red leather motorcycle jacket (reminiscent of Michael Jackson, whom I have nothing against, but I typically don't prefer to dress like I'm a pop star on a world tour) and what I can only describe as one of the wackiest pairs of jeans I've ever seen. They're white skinny jeans by Rag and Bone, but what gets me is that they have black leather paneling on the sides, from the thigh all the way down. Really? I understand fashion is an industry and as such, they're trying to get you to buy something new every "season" to add to their bottom line, but I thought they already ran out of things to do to jeans last year when they did prints on denim. I was wrong. Her outfit is complemented with a Valentino i-Pad case (because LV is so gauche), and metallic heels. The metallic heels are the only thing I can accept, because I have a pair in my closet for formal affairs. I, however, do not wear them out during the day in funky, attention-grabbing ensembles.
Paltrow's next section is not much better, although it seems less ridiculous. With one arm raised and her hand tucked behind her head and the other hand in a pocket I'm not quite sure what she's trying to convey, but it doesn't matter because this is another outfit that would not work for me: what looks to be a tissue-weight loose T-shirt over a white buttoned-down shirt with the cuffs rolled up, tucked into pink jacquard shorts with red polka dots on them. Oh, and don't forget a little studded pink handbag with a long shoulder chain. The button-down would be stiff, I would be cold and embarrassed in the shorts, and the wan color would wash me out.
The rest of Paltrow's picks continue much in the same fashion--there she is in another outfit I would never wear: here she's in a midriff-baring top with pleated orange shorts and heels, and there she is in a satin and tulle maxi skirt with cut-outs, which looks interesting but not, as they suggest, something I'd wear at home to entertain guests.
And the word that keeps coming to my mind as I peruse the list, is really? Really, is this what we're supposed to be wearing right now? No wonder I'm completely out of style.
